Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Class, people

Up until recently I've worried more about breastfeeding Em Dash than the actual childbirth portion of the whole process. I hear/watch/read way more about the obstacles of breastfeeding than labor issues, hence its priority in the worry-list.

I mean, really, I just go in, huff and puff a bit, ask for some meds and poof! Out comes Em Dash! ....Right? RIGHT?

Nah, probably not so simple.

Last night was the first of our two-part "prepared childbirth" class at our hospital. While I pride myself on soaking up all the pregnancy/labor/childcare knowledge I can get my grubbly little hands on, I still came away with some interesting childbirth info that I hadn't heard before, such as the huge majority of women who VOMIT during labor (especially during c-sections) because of the pressure on your stomach. And the whole process when the baby turns to face your left or right hip to get its oval head to fit through your oval pelvis. And the three stages of labor with the first stage divided into three mini-stages. Oy vay.

We practiced some techniques to get us through painful contractions. Oh, and she taught our "labor partners" how to massage our legs without annoyance. Sweet!

Overall I enjoyed the class, except for the part where I wanted to punch some of the other parents.

[Warning: uncharacteristic rant ahead]

Similar to how cats seem to know I'm allergic to them and get joy out of rubbing all up on me, I always seem to attract the I-like-to-talk-at-inappropriate-times folks, no matter the situation. To our right was the guy who continued to chat with his wife through the entire three-hour course, asking the instructor obnoxious questions all along the way and making comments about other people's comments or questions. Oh, and with a Bluetooth headset on and in his ear THE ENTIRE TIME. Really? You're THAT important? I don't think so.

The couple to our left couldn't stop giggling. We were supposed to "work through our contraction" yet they continuously burst into laughter, which caused others to laugh (not us). When the instructor asked what was so funny, they had no answer.

Then there was the guy who insisted on fishing out the last teeny tiny crumb from his mini bag of Lay's potato chips. Crinkle, crinkle, crinkle went the bag. Annoying.

Lastly, there was the woman, whom we guess was from some European country. She continued to ask about vaginal deliveries of breech babies, even though her baby isn't breech and the instructor explained again and again that she's be hard-pressed to find a doctor in our hospital or our country who would take the liability of delivering a breech baby vaginally. You could tell the instructor was understandably annoyed when she had to explain for the second or third time that it wasn't going to happen. Ugh.

She showed a couple delivery videos, and there were the few 30-somethings-going-on-5 guys who busted out into, "Ewwwws!" and "Gross!" when they showed the actual birth. Um, did you think your baby was going to come out your wife's ear? Or do you really believe that a stork drops off your nice, clean baby?

And because our class was annoyingly chatty during inopportune moments and wasn't taking the breathing exercises seriously, the instructor did something she said she normally doesn't do -- she gave us HOMEWORK. Thanks a lot, Chatty Charlies and Chatty Cathies. The assignments are very minimal, truthfully, and probably helpful, but still! It's like the entire class skipping recess because Wayne the Pain couldn't keep his trap shut. So not fair.

Of the 18 couples in the class, we learned during the intros that two of them aren't finding out if it's a boy or a girl, two of them are having boys and the remaining 14 couples are having girls! The instructor said it's not often that there's an overwhelming majority of one of the other.

And if it turns out that any of those kids are in Em Dash's classes, I may not let them play together because THEIR PARENTS HAVE NO MANNERS.

"And also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much and that bugs him." - Michael, The Office

27 comments:

  1. The exact reason why sometimes I just HATE people! I seem to attract them at the Hollywood Bowl!!! It's interesting your class is mostly girls because most of the now 11 pregnant people I know are having boys! I guess it's 50/50, huh?

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  2. ugh. all birth classes are the same - same annoying people, same annoying questions, same cluelessness.

    and in answer to your first question, please feel free to go back to my birth story blog post ;)

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  3. What kind of ghetto pregnancy class is this?

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  4. The Bluetooth in the ear annoys me, wherever I am. Even in the grocery store. Nobody is THAT important.

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  5. I know what you mean - I also seem to attract the people that like to make comments at the wrong time. Tell me when the next class is - I'll come and keep "the order". I've watched many cop shows so I know how to do it!

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  6. OMG - "did you think your baby was going to come out your wife's ear?" made me SPIT OUT MY COFFEE!

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  7. I have to say I was terrified of giving birth AND breastfeeding. Luckily, I lived through the birth, and the breastfeeding was the easiest thing I did. I have a boob blog that shares what I went through. It may give you some insight. not to mention there is a great book called "The Nursing Mother's Guide." It gives you all the holds and it really put my mind at ease! Hope that helps!

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  8. people can be so annoying :/

    hope the next class is less chatty.

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  9. Ohhh, I hate when people talk through presentations or speakers or what not. Drives me crazy! And also? I'm going to be coming to you with all sorts of questions when I'm pregnant because I feel there is so much that I just don't know!

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  10. heehee, this post made me giggle. :) hope the really annoying ones don't make it to your next class, though, despite the great blog fodder it provides.

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  11. This cracked me up SO much! It is incredibly rude and irritating when people (especially grown adults!) can't sit for an hour without being obnoxious. Sorry about the homework too!

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  12. Oh my gosh, where do I start?! I literally choked on my coffee I was laughing so hard. This post is amazing. The bluetooth in the ear is something I will never understand! Like he was going to take a call during class? Have you ever seen the skit on SNL called the 2 A-holes? SO funny! You are hilarious.

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  13. Funny. The only good thing about annoying people is that they make for fun blog posts. But that's the only good thing.

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  14. Yeah, there were major annoying people in our class too. One thing that's for sure, they won't be giggling in the delivery room - at least not until the meds come! ;0)

    You'll be fine - don't worry. It hurts like hell, but epidurals are wonderful. And breastfeeding? It only hurt for 7 days and then I was fine. It's different for everyone, but I think you'll be fine! :)

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  15. You had me laughing, Nanette. Too funny! I hope those stoopid heads get it right next time. Ugh.

    I never told you that I threw up during labor...hmm...let me know if you ever want to hear my gruesome story. I hope you breeze right through the way you described. :)

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  16. Even when you rant, you're funny about it - I love that about you.

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  17. Haha! In our classes, we have one couple that asks SO MANY dumb-ass questions. It kills H and I to have to sit there and listed. Ugh, it's like "read a book on your free time, dumb-ass!"

    Then there is the girl that munches on LOUD ASS carrots throughout the entire class. It's so annoying it makes me want to punch her.

    Childbirth classes really should be called patience classes. Because you sure as hell do need it!

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  18. I would be so embarassed if my husband said ew or gross during the delivery video!

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  19. Just remember to breathe, and I kept telling myself not to scream. All of that other mumbo jumbo goes out the window. :)
    B-feeding was a lot easier than I thought too-ha!

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  20. wow. that would drive me crazy. i can't believe how immature some people are. at least they won't be in the delivery room with you, that's a plus right? :)

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  21. People are stupid.

    I'm not sure I believe the part about a huge majority of women vomiting during labor. I know a LOT of moms, mostly due to organizing a play group with nearly a hundred members, and we talk about this kind of junk all the time. I've never heard a single one mention vomiting during labor. I do have one friend who vomited constantly after her epidural, but I know a lot of people have that kind of reaction to anesthesia in general. I wouldn't worry about that part if I were you.

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  22. DH & I took a L&D tour last night at the hospital where we plan to deliver. And like you, we encountered so many other expectant parents who thought they were getting a personal tour, were talking to their personal OB, or hadn't read up a thing about L&D! Needless to say, our tour took an extra 1hr due to these people. Very annoying!

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  23. When I saw the number of people in your class expecting girls vs. boys I immediately thought Finn would have his choice of girlfriends someday. Something is wrong with me!

    We still look back at our L&D classes we took with Zoe and laugh... still, I've told Daniel I'm not doing them this time around.

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  24. The most important things I learned from the childbirth classes?

    1. They should focus more on the actual childcare part, and less on the labor and delivery part

    2. Go ahead and research and plan as much as it wants. Your labor and delivery are going to take a course all their own, and you may have to throw all those plans out the window

    3. Don't let that upset you! Remember the goal: healthy Em-Dash, healthy Nanners

    4. If your nurse has long fingernails, tell her to go cut them off before she gets near you, even if she is lovely in every other way! (I can't reiterate that one enough.)

    5. Oh, and don't forget: people are idiots!

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  25. HAHAHa! It's hilarious how every person has some crazy stories from these classes... I guess that's why my hubs and I only made it to 1 of 4 classes :) Love it, thanks for the chuckle!

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  26. I also always manage to attract the attract the "I-like-to-talk-at-inappropriate-times folks." Lucky us? Haha. :)

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